I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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