At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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