Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize