somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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