he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize