Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i barfeds in our rink
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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