From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
