i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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