thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
