1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize