The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
where does the pee come out of this thing
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
