Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
