Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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