I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
