I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
