So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
