i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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