I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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