Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
