the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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