True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
