I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If that was your dad, he is hot
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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