i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
