I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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