I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
