oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
