So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Randomize