Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
