just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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