Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
