just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize