sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
