i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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