And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
