so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
