We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
