um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
