I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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