I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
