I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
