Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
