I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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