is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
