Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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