put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
