oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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