I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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