New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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