do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
