A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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