Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
