im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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