You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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