im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
