I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize