i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
