made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
