I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
