we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize