a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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