I will die if light touches me.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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