u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
