I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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