i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
PS: I just woke up from my shower
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
