Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
